It’s been a while since I’ve written a personal post.
That’s a lie, it’s been a really long while since I’ve written a post. Full stop.
So here goes; over the past year, since I finally admitted my anxiety was a problem which needed to be solved – I say solved, anxiety is a problem that doesn’t really have a clear cut solution. I think saying a problem that needed to be addressed is a better way of putting it. But anyway, but in that time, I have learned a lot about myself, and one of the things I have learned is that if I find it hard to give up on something. That can be a good thing, but it can also be bad
Before I took a little break from blogging, I kept making empty promises about how I was going to get back on it. And the gaps between posts got longer and longer, and each post I’d make more empty promises, and I’d write some rubbish just to tell myself that I got a post up.
But taking a break has given me some fresh perspective, some fresh ideas and probably most important, some fresh enthusiasm.
There’s been a lot going on lately and a lot of the time I find there is only so much room in my brain. Yet when things get hectic, I still try to carry on with everything, until I realise something has to give. And this time, after pathetically trying to carry on and putting out half-hearted stuff I decided that the thing that had to give was blogging.
But now the enthusiasm is well and truly back. Now, I don’t want to make more empty promises, but I feel good again. I feel like I finally have some space in my brain to focus on blogging. And hopefully that means putting out some fully thought through and really fun stuff up on here.
But, the actual point of this post is; I’ve started a new job. Which is awesome. The people are super nice, I am constantly busy and I love actually being able to get my opinion (and hopefully expertise heard). It’s amazing that the team actually want to get on board with what I have to say. But since I also have severe anxiety, it’s also been one of the hardest, scariest things that I’ve done in a really long time.
Now dont get me wrong, I’m proud of myself for that. I can, so very clearly remember a time when my anxiety wouldn’t even let me consider doing something this scary.
But it’s also hard to be proud of yourself when your anxiety is busy taking up room in your brain with, well anxiety. I’m not going to lie, I beat myself up for the last few weeks at my previous job. I was unsettled, and unsure if I made the right decision. The anxiety in me was telling me to stay at what I knew, where (in my mind) it was safe, where I knew what was going on, and where everyone knew my problems and was great with helping me.
But still I did it. I made it through my first few weeks. Yes, it’s been hard as hell. I’ve been trying to tell myself it’s just a bad anxiety say, today’s just another bad anxiety day. But after a few days of that it gets harder to tell yourself.
But a few nights ago I had a break through. I’m going to have constant bad anxiety days for the first few weeks. Because this is fucking scary! But I also know that, but before I know it, I will settle again. Things won’t seem scary anymore. This will become what I know. This will become the safe place. These people will become my friends who will get to know who I am – anxiety and all.
So in the vein of trying to settle, I’m trying to concentrate on all the massive pros of making this change. And one of those, is being home in time to be able to take a yoga class which is something I have wanted to do for a really really long time.
I’ve heard great stories an out how much it calms you, how much it strengths you and after being a dancer and a gymnast as a kid, I’m looking forward to getting some flexibility and core strength back.
I forced myself to go to the Centre today, and ask abut classes, and I’m going to start in the next few days. And now I have something to look forward too – something positive that I can focus in when things get scary. So I’m really excited about that!
Aside that, because I’ve been away for a while I have loads of other new fun stuff to get you up to date with, but I’ll definitely be keeping you updated in how the yoga goes – and maybe keep an eye on my Instagram because I’m hoping to get some awesome pics of me standing on my head and stuff up there soon!!
It’s great to be back! Come and say hi!