I’m not afraid to say it: I love my boyfriend. I love him, and honestly, I struggle to live without him.
Yes, that the lamest, most anti-feminist thing I have EVER said, but seriously I do.
So (for those of to you who don’t know from my previous posts or whining tweets) R has been on the other side of the world for a few weeks seeing family etc, And I miss him, like
Don’t get me wrong, I am a strong, independent woman. I have lots of friends, and I have honestly not been bored since the moment he left, all my friends have been INCREDIBLE. Been keeping me busy, been texting me constantly, been getting me drunk, or just hanging out with me on a regular basis, so I don’t think about missing him too much.
Don’t get me wrong, me and R where best friends for a LONG time before we got together. So in some ways I am missing my best friend as well as missing my boyfriend. But still… I feel like I’m judged when I say that I miss my boyfriend. I feel like that makes me anti-feminist because I NEED a man to make me feel like myself…. But I don’t mean it like that…
When did it become a bad thing to say that there is no one else in the world that I want to be around when I come home from work and I’m feeling down?
When did it become a bad thing to say that he’s the person that I want to look my best for?
When did it become a bad thing to say that, when I’ve had a really long day I want my boyfriend to say it’s all going to be okay, to say that he loves me and that whatever happens at work or with my family, or with life in general, that he will love me unconditionally. Because isn’t that what wanting to spend the rest of your life with someone is?
When did it become a bad thing that when I’m stuck for ideas on how to make the best decisions’ for work/ for family problems / for even outfit decisions that he is my best, most honest, most creative sounding board?
I like to feel like I am strong, I am independent. I am the hardest woman I can be.
And yes, when he is here I like to feel like I am the stronger one in this relationship. (he is terrible with money, with cooking with cleaning, and yes generally life itself)
I can build flat-pack furniture, I can cook, I can clean, (seriously the flat is SO much cleaner when he is NOT living in is), I can build my own career from the ground upwards, hell, I could re-build the entire world if I wanted to. Sometimes, I really do plan to!
When I was single I had this great sense of empowerment. I was doing all this stuff for myself. I was making my own grades at university, I was losing weight, I was striding the halls of Uni, I was being a fucking incredible person for myself. And yes, that was absolutely incredible.
But now, I have this even better sense of empowerment because he makes me even more empowered.
I can go to work, or to the shops or generally even step out of the house in the morning without make up, in a hoody and jeans because (its not even because he tells me) because he makes me feel beautiful. Yet he is also 100% honest when he says I look like shit and I need to make an effort. When I lost my job he made me feel like I could get something better and yes, I did. He didn’t judge me like I felt like the rest of the world were doing. He was proud of me for taking a terrible temporary job just to get us to make rent, and he was even more proud of me when I got an incredible job. He smiles when he comes home to me. And that makes me feel like the best person I could ever be.
When he comes home and the house is clean and dinner is in the oven he tells me that I didn’t need to do these things (and yes, I know that as a modern woman I don’t NEED to do these things, he’ll love me even if I didn’t) but because I WANT to. I want to be a career woman and his perfect girlfriend. I can be well-rounded, or not. If my career takes a precedent, he’ll understand. If I want to stay at home and have babies, he’ll understand.
And the fact that making these decisions to be a better person (for him, for me, for whoever the hell I want to make them for) is the best encouragement I could ever ever ever hope for.
In my mind, being this close to someone who is encouraging me to be the best woman I can be, someone who wants me to be the president of the world if I want to, someone who makes me look the best I can every day, someone who tells me in every second of my self doubt that I am intelligent, and incredible, and empowered and assured, who holds me when I struggle to hold it all together and act like I’m strong anymore in front of everyone else but him.
Being with him, in my mind, makes me the best feminist I can be. Because he makes me feel like the perfect woman even when I don’t feel like it myself.
And this, this is why I miss my boyfriend, like hell. And no, I don’t care that that sounds anti-feminist. Because it’s not.